I'm so sick of having a small friend group then all of a sudden everyone wants to bail and take "me time" all at once. So i get left behind out in the cold and i fucking hate it. Love sucks and has done nothing but cause me pain heartache and suffering. I must be a fool to keep doing the same damn things and expect a different result. So you know what? FUCK IT ALL.

update 7-25-12

It's been a month since Matt and I broke up. Much to my surprise, i haven't fallen into a pit of horrible despair, nor have i contemplated suicide as i (and he) feared i would.
I have been strong. There have been a few days where i sat here despondent and cursing life, but most days have been spent not really dwelling on it too much. I am so thankful for my freinds. Without them i don't know how i would have gotten through this so easily.
Amazing how what used to be my absolute worst fear has managed to be something I can deal with. I thank Matt for being with me and helping me to become more of the person i always wanted to be, rather than the cold weak shell I was in the past. I am in a healthy place now, and for that I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the person I found, as soon as i stopped wanting to look. I'm not sure how far or where it will take me, but being in a relationship where your partner verbally recognizes you for more than what you feel you are, for what the world can see you as, is just amazing and I'm almost in as much awe of him as he seems to be of me. Someone who sees me as beautiful even when all sweaty and gross after practice. Someone who understands so much about me without me having to tell him outright. Thank you for coming along at the perfect time Steven.

more than sightly preturbed....

so i got a call from my boss after i got to work tonight. You know when the first words you hear are, "I've got to talk to you about something" followed shortly by" you didn't do any thing wrong, but..." and your stomach WILL drop. Particularly in this economy. Well needless to say, they are changing who will be at my post and that they will now need to be armed. That the company handpicked their people. Why I wasn't picked, I have no clue, but it sucks ass. So i chose to go with the less than perfect post that was the only other option of maintaining employment. Sure it may suck but, hey, it's a job. and it's even a bit of a pay increase. Now i have to get used to working with people at night again. :-( i liked having the building to myself. damn it, damnit, damnit all to hell........ grrrr. oh well fuck it. Again, any job is better than none. I will count my blessings and be patient and see how things go before i get too butthurt about it all. and maybe since i was willing to do any job, then i will be remembered for the next good one that comes up. fingers crossed and all that. till then i will just keep on just doing what needs doing and make do.

my new toy

I finally got my motorcycle I've been wanting for a little over a decade. I'm so excitedand now i just want to practice riding. *squeel* but somewhere between that excitement, the music constantly running through my head and Gab deciding i apparently need to be woken up at 830 on a sunday, I can't go back to sleep. grrrr. oh well.

Wednesday feb 3

I figure it's easier to just put the day instead of trying to come up with some witty title everyday.
NOt much happened today, finally got to catch up on my sleep a little bit, which is good since I have my skate-a-thon tonight and then two shifts at work starting tomorrow night. At least my weekend will start a bit early. :-) but for now, all is good in my world.  Still waiting on my tax refund to get here. Man I hope it hurries up, kinda need the money like now instead of later. But at least there are no major bills looming on the current horizon. Just wish I could get some new wheels before our first bout of the year. I'm about half afraid mine are gonna send me flying from lack of traction. and that would be no good to any one. That and I'd really really like to go motorcycle gear shopping too.

another day in the life....

Today was yet another little to no sleep day. I had a dentist appointment and went over to visit mom at work after. Even managed to go visit Tasha, who i hadn't seen in a couple years. I skipped skating for the first time in a long time and got to snuggle with Matt after he got home. It was really nice. I'm looking forward to 8 am so i can go home again, just not enough sleep to function properly. Listening to Storm Front (book 1 of the Dresden Files). I just love the way James Marsters's voice sounds. The story is also great, so it just makes it that much better.

as you can tell, I forget things...

Maybe not forget things, so much as get distracted. All the same, I'm here. I'm so glad it's Friday for me.  I'll get to see my little girl tonight. She always makes me smile.  Gabby is a very special child. She's the only one I will ever get to carry. And she is the absolute best of me and my ex. And i can honestly say that I would not be the person I am today without her. She had helped me realize in time how self destructive I had been becoming, and how much I didn't want to give her that example. I wanted to live by example, to be someone she would always be proud to proclaim as her mother.  It really has become a life goal for me to help raise her into the wonderful person I know she will become.

It's looking like this is gonna be a short entry tonight, but I'm just not really feeling it today.